Star Wars: The Last Jedi Remake

For those who aren't avid readers of Star Wars related things on Twitter, you might not be aware that a group of fans are attempting to gain $200 million in funding for a remake of The Last Jedi because as everyone knows, it was an awful movie that destroyed Star Wars and it needs to be erased from history.

Ideally, a time machine would be a good idea, but as that's not possible, now that Stephen Hawking is dead and has taken all the secrets of the universe to the grave with him, a remake is the best solution. After that, all the copies of the Ryan Johnson-written/directed film will be gathered up and put on a bonfire in Berlin, just like that scene in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.

The fans intend to write a script with the input of lots of other fans. This will include not only those who hated The Last Jedi, but also those who liked it because they want to bring everyone together so that once the new film had been made, we can all agree that the version-that-shall-not-be-mentioned-ever-again was horrible.

In light of this, I would like to put my name forward to become one of the hundreds of people who will contribute to this script.

Of course the advantage to all of us contributing is that we will know how the Star Wars story really continues long before we finish filming it.

So as Shakespeare said, without further ado, here is my concept for the new and improved Star Wars Chapter VIIIa.

LAST OF THE JEDIS

We open with the bit with Poe Dameron facing off against the Star Destroyers and the Dreadnought, but this time there are more pilots with him and there isn't that stupid thing with him trying to distract General Hugs (sorry, Hux) with a prank telephone call. No, we have Lando Calrissian (only he's going to be played by Tom Sellek, not Billy Dee Williams, because Billy Dee Williams is too, um, he's too, oh you know what I mean), and he's with Nien Nunb, and we'll have Wedge Antilles, and his son, who can be played by one of the film's backers.

And then the bombing raid will happen, and all the ships are being blown up until there's the last one being flown by Paige Tico (we can get Megan Fox for that role), and then the ship gets hit and she's the only survivor, so she goes for the bomb release remote control and drops it ... but it's caught by BB8 because Poe's flown his X-Wing under the bomber. And he rescues Paige and they fly away and BB8 releases the bomb payload.

We get back to the Rebel fleet and instead of giving him crap, Leia's all 'Poe, you're a goshdarn hero, and you saved the fleet, and here's a medal'. And we can use outtakes from the medal ceremony in Star Wars for Carrie Fisher's part.

And Finn wakes up from his Bacta bath, but he looks different because the Bacta's turned him back into who he really was before Snoake used the force to change his skin colour and stuff, and he can be played by me.

Then we cut to Rey and Luke and Luke's explaining to Rey that the real reason she could stand up to Kylo in the last movie without any Jedi training was because he (Luke that is) was secretly puppeting her, and it wasn't her abilities after all, because she's just a stupid girl. But Luke offers to train Chewbacca in the force, because he senses that Chewie is strong in the force.

Back with the fleet, Kylo and the tie fighters chase after the lead ship, but this time Kylo pulls the trigger on his mother, because he HATES HER for making him clean up his socks from his bedroom floor EVERY GOSHDARN DAY!!!

And Leia's blown into space like before. And we can still use the bit with Leia floating through space like Mary Poppins, but this time it will be because she is dead and that's her force ghost coming back to the ship. And when she gets back to the ship, she tells me, I mean Finn that he's really a Jedi and he needs to go to the Dagobah system to learn from all the Jedi masters.

So they escape from the pursuing First Order because there's no such thing as hyperspace tracking (stupid, stupid idea), and Finn goes off to Dagobah. But when he gets there, he finds the island with Luke and Chewbacca (and Rey) because Luke's planet is really Dagobah, where the sea level has risen because of all the rocks that have been falling into it, so there aren't any swamps left.

And Finn and Chewbacca are taught the ways of the force by Luke and ghost Ben Kenobi and ghost Annakin Skywalker (who's played by the old guy and not Hayden Christensen) and ghost Yoda and ghost Leia (although she just makes the tea and gives people medals) and ghost Samuel L Jackson. And Rey falls in love with Finn and there's kissing and stuff. Then the Jedi go and fight Snoake, who puts Poe into carbonite until the next movie and Chewbacca and Wedge Antilles' son go off to find him on Hoth where a gangster wampa has collected him because it like carbonite sculptures, and Finn has to console both Rey and Megan Fox and the end.

Oh yeah, and there's a big spaceship battle as well.

Do you think I'll get the job?